Big Ten Roundtable - Antepenultimate edition

It's been a while since there's been one of these. Here we go...

1) With two weeks left in the season, it's safe to say that most schools have reached the point where the year has been a success or a disappointment. How has your school fared this year in your opinion? Or, is the jury still out?

Needless to say, this season has been a rip-roaring success for MSU, with the high points being the game-winning kick to beat Wisconsin and the first win in Ann Arbor since 1990. The only black mark on Michigan State's record is that they've lost to the two best teams they've faced (debatable depending on whether you believe Iowa is better than Cal), but on the other hand, the Spartans have beaten every team they should have beaten, and when is the last time that happened? Now they get to play Penn State in a de facto Big Ten Championship game. I'm not too excited for the Spartans to go to Happy Valley, and I'm going to give this point its own paragraph to hammer it home.

The last time MSU beat Penn State in Happy Valley, Joe Paterno was an assistant coach (1965).

A young Joe Paterno teaches the intricacies of the flying wedge.

Now that's perspective. Despite what is an almost sure loss, a 9-3 record is better than what anyone predicted (I hinted at it, but didn't have the balls to predict nine wins).

2) Is your school heading to a bowl? If so, which one? And if not, WTF?

Hell yes MSU's going to a bowl. The most likely destination is the Capital One Bowl, against a team that will most likely be Georgia. However, MSU has a small chance at the Rose Bowl if:

• Ohio State loses one of the next two games (@Illinois, Michigan, both unlikely losses for the Buckeyes) AND
  
• Michigan State beats Penn State in Beaver Stadium (more unlikely).

Thus, Michigan State is guaranteed a New Year's day bowl. Whether it's the Rose, Capital One or Outback (if OSU and PSU both don't receive BCS bids) remains to be seen.

3) The Big Ten has recently had a hard time getting respect among the national media as a top conference. Has the Big Ten taken a step forward or a step backward in this debate this season?

Well, to have taken a step forward, the Big Ten would've needed its best nonconference win to be better than Penn State crushing Oregon State. Take that fact and combine with the four losses the Big Ten has suffered at the hands at MAC teams (granted, three of those losses were suffered by Indiana and Michigan, BUT STILL), and that totals a step backward for the Big Ten. However, I state that opinion with the caveat that a great bowl record can put the Big Ten on solid ground again.

If all else fails, repeat after me: "We're still better than the Big East and ACC."

4) Would the Big Ten benefit from adding another school to create two divisions like the SEC, Big 12, ACC and MAC? And if so, which school should be added? Or, should we drop one school?

The Big Ten should absolutely not drop a school, all of the others (with Penn State being the exception) have had at the very least a half-century in the conference, and one shouldn't mess with that kind of tradition. That said, the Big Ten should add a university. Pitt and Missouri seem to be the choices du jour, but I have a modest proposal: make Miami of Ohio the 12th team.

First, the RedHawks are a great fit academically; they're a first tier public university. That leaves only the athletic aspect, which many might consider to be shaky, and for good reason. They're 2-7 in football this season. However, they made the NCAA tournament in 2007, and once they entered the Big Ten, I expect their recruiting to be elevated to the point where they could be on par with a Northwestern - a middle of the pack team with great academics. There's no reason not to believe that they could start a good team with Ohio State's leftovers in state. Finally, I believe that they're the team that would jump most readily into the Big Ten, whereas the others that have been mentioned are either in conferences now or are being paid obscene amounts of money by NBC for going 6-6.

For those reasons, I don't think it's absurd to have the RedHawks be the twelfth member of the Big Ten. I see the Divisions going East and West, with Penn State, Ohio State, Miami of Ohio, Michigan, Michigan State, and Purdue in the East; and Indiana, Illinois, Northwestern, Minnesota, Iowa, and Wisconsin in the West. The only downside is that this year in football, the conference would have been greatly imbalanced, with the top three teams being in the East. However, it's been working for the Big 12 so far, so I'm obliged to let the proposed divisions stay as they are.

5) Do you agree with President-elect Obama that college football should have an 8 school post-season playoff?

No, if only for the reason that a possible North Carolina-Pitt matchup for the national title is abhorrent. Being a Michigan State fan, I really could care less about the playoff debate for it has hardly ever affected my team.

6a) Who is your favorite network television play-by-play announcer/ color commentator/sideline reporter?

Brent Musberger, and the reason is three-fold:

1. If he's broadcasting your team's game, you know your team is doing well. If it's not your team, the unintentional comedy factor should be enough.
2. Sentimentality - to me, something about hearing his voice reminds me of autumns past, sitting in the living room of my parents, and watching football on Saturdays. Good Times.
3. I will always, always give preference to any sportscaster who was in Rocky II.

Get yours TODAY! Miller Lite can sold separately.

6b) If you listed Erin Andrews, please provide a photo/video to back up your pick.

Nope, but just for giggles and as a continuation of the previous question, here's a video of her, Musberger and Steve Lavin ice fishing. Don't blame me if you can't save it to your hard drive as part of your "collection".

Big Ten Round Table, Week Nine

This week's Big Ten Round Table is brought to Nittany White Out.

1. We're approaching week 9 now, are you pleasantly surprised or
already waiting for basketball season?

Can't I be both? I am very excited that the Spartans are 6-2, but that loss against OSU is the type of loss that usually sends MSU into its much proclaimed season-ending slide. That said, I don't think it'll happen this year, I believe that the next three games are all winnable (@ Michigan, Wisconsin, Purdue, tell me you don't see at least two wins in there) before the death march to Happy Valley to end the season. As for basketball, I cannot wait until the November 16th Idaho game to start the season. Even though Neitzel isn't around anymore, Kalin Lucas is a more than capable point, and a front court of Suton, Morgan, Gray and Roe is one I'm anticipating to see on the court. In short, I like the football season so far, but c'mon, I'm an MSU blogger, I'll always be waiting around for Basketball to start.

2. Describe one specific play from this season you would alter for a
different outcome if you had the chance to.

The play just happened last week, in the 1st quarter of the OSU game. Keshawn Martin had just caught a screen from Hoyer, passed the first down marker, and promptly got hit by an OSU player. Martin fumbles, another Buckeye picks up the ball and returns it deep into MSU territory. This is when I started to get a feeling that luck wasn't on the Spartans' side, and if I could change it, I'd have Martin bust through for a TD, tying the score at seven, and staving off OSU momentum for at least a little longer.


3. How could it (#2) possibly impact the way your season is going?

Seeing as how I'm talking about MSU, if this were the past, it's completely in the realm of possibilty that the Spartans could lose all their games from here on out, going 6-6. However, if one saw the Purdue and Penn State games from last year, previous results exist that state that MSU won't throw the season in the crapper just because a few bad breaks hit. The play could start a tailspin, I'm betting that it won't.

4. Big Ten player you just can't stand, why?

I'm going to go to basketball for this one, and I'll say it's Purdue guard/forward/catchall Robbie Hummel. This feeling is more out of respect than anything else; he has little effect the whole game, and when the late second half rolls around, he starts making threes, getting every defensive rebound, and getting to the foul line. If Marquise Gray ate him (assuming there's enough meat on his bones to constitute a full meal), I'd be a happy man.

5. Boo'ing your own team (we've seen quite a lot of this across the Big Ten this season), your feelings on this.

The only time this could possibly be considered kosher is if the team is visibly dogging it on the field. Don't give me that tired "We're booing the coaches" line, do you possibly think anyone can possibly know that (Unless, of course, said coach decides to take the ball first in OT. Then you may flame away.)? These are college kids we're talking about here, they've got class obligations on top of football. They're not professionals, so cut them some slack if they screw up. Even if they turn over the ball five times in what was called the biggest game in a decade. I'll cry over here now.

BONUS ROUND!!!!!11!!!!!!!

1. Number of beers or alcoholic drinks consumed by week 8 (or a good estimate).

This probably will still be a bad estimate. But let's see...5 tailgates + 1 wedding attended as groomsman + currently in MSU with tough major...I'm guessing it's over 100, and 125 would be a better guess. It sounds like a lot, but that averages to about two drinks a day (Ed. note - that number is for the entire College Football season up until today. If we're talking about drinks consumed during week 8, I'd say it's about 20 - 5 during the week before the OSU game, 15 the day of. It sounds like a lot, but keep in mind I got to campus around 9 to tailgate, and went out after.).

2. Most annoying commercial seen this season.

Second place is anything referencing "Frank TV", but first is far and away this one. Warning - will make you want to break your monitor over your knee.



You do the math, I'll do your castration, buddy.

3. Your prediction for the next coaching change in the Big Ten (Joe Tiller exempt)

The easy answer here is JoePa, but I'm betting he goes at least one more year, and I'm also betting someone will get fired midseason in 2009. If I had to guess right now, I'll go out on a limb and say that Bret Bielema gets the pink slip first, if only because Iowa's improving, and the expectations for the Badgers have popped this season, and I don't really see them making a drastic improvement next year.

What is Big Ten Round Table?

This week's Round Table, hosted by The Only Game that Matters. This week's Round Table is being done Jeopardy-style (you'll see how it's done in a bit), and as for TOGtM...I would not be surprised at all if they were telling Trebek to put the lotion on his skin in a well in their basement. Anyway, on with the show.

1) Jay Paterno and the Spread HD

Who is Jim Carrey? Much like Carrey's career, Jay and the HD were once thought to be a joke, but through a few legitimate performances (vs. Oregon State, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), are now taken seriously. Of course, chances to fall remain (evidence in favor: lackluster performance against Purdue, The Number 23).

2) Joe Tiller's Mustache

Where is Mr. Belvedere? The Wilford Brimley comparison is worn out. If you add some color to Tiller's mustache, it looks verrry similar to one carried around by a famous butler.

The evidence is damning: Joe Tiller, guilty of Grand Theft 'Stache, and kidnapping Purdue's offense from last year.

3) The Color Purple

What is, for the first time ever, the color that will fill up more than half the seats at Ryan Field next week? (Cue outraged "NO ONE EVER RESPECTS NORTHWESTERN!" from Lake the Posts in 3...2...1...just kidding. Seriously, if you need a primer on Northwestern football, go to Lake the Posts now. It's all good stuff.)

4) Brains

What is the missing ingredient from the Hawkeyes? They outgunned MSU at the line of scrimmage on both ends last week, but turnovers and a couple of unfortunate 4th down calls flushed a win down the drain. Also, Big Ten Blogger by-laws state that whenever brains are mentioned, a picture of JoePa must be shown:


5) Hawkeye State

Where is the place that manufactures Hawkeye vodka? Hawkeye vodka is the #1 vodka on my "liquors to taste" list, mainly to take in its poor quality. Will it be worse than Crystal Palace? Will I go blind? I don't know, but I'll have fun getting there.

6) Rudy

Who has gotten more mileage out of one sack than anyone in history? Many stories of walk-ons are worthy of mention. Take for instance, a Spartan who walked onto the football team, played his way into a scholarship, and graduated with a 4.0 average in Kinesology with his Masters (not University of Michigan Kinesology, this degree's legitimate). This man's name? Cole Malatinsky. Scholarship, hard work, and kicking ass...now that's a story.

Do not look into his eyes. You will get pregnant.

7) Knee Ligaments

What are things that if you're going to tear, tear awesomely? In other words, don't break them like this kid did:



8) Terrelle Pryor

What is the reason I'm happy MSU doesn't play Ohio State for the next two years after this year? If he can lead the Buckeyes to a win by orchestrating a drive in the 4th quarter - IN WISCONSIN, NO LESS -it's scary to think how good he'll be in a year.

9) Mark May

Who is the biggest benefactor of the "Ugly Friend" effect? You know the theory - all sets of girls have one ugly friend that makes the others look better by comparison. Who is Mark May's ugly friend? You guessed it...

10) Rich Rodriguez

Who will be the #1 selling effigy in Ann Arbor after a 5-7 season for the Wolverines? If they go to a bowl this season, they will overachieve. The best news about that is the fans will save on gas by going to Detroit for their bowl game.

Big Ten picks tomorrow? I'm leaving early for Chicago tomorrow, for this Saturday I'll be on the O'Malley's West bus trip for the Northwestern game. Hopefully, some of you'll be out there.

Big Ten Round Table, Week 4

Thanks to Boiled Sports for putting on this week's version of the Round Table.

1. We're all car guys here at BS. So your task is to assign your own program a vehicle. Is Purdue an all-terrain vehicle like a Jeep or a Hummer? Something befitting a brawny Boilermaker? Is Ohio State a slow, conversion van being passed by Corvettes with USC markings? Is IU a John Deere tractor with a hillbilly riding on it? Get creative and let us know both what your school is if it’s a car as well as assigning a vehicle to as many of the other Big Ten schools as you like. (I’d require you to do them all but I know attention spans are short and counting to 11 is hard.)

I was giving thought to what Michigan State would be. Obvioulsly something big and plodding, and then it finally hit me:


That's right. Michigan State is a big ol' cement truck. The cement truck's main function is to get the cement to its destination by ground, just like how MSU's offensive M.O. is to have Ringer barrel head first into the defensive line until they finally give. But you say, shouldn't MSU be a bulldozer? No, because a bulldozer is one-dimensional: see target structure, knock down target structure. At least that's what the game Blast Corps taught me.

Blast Corps: teaching you how to save the town from nuclear annihilation, one destructive act at a time.

Anyway, back to the cement truck metaphor. Once the ground game is established/cement truck reaches its destination, the secondary function takes over. The cement, which has been spinning idly in the truck, pours out, and in MSU's case, Brian Hoyer throws a deep ball. Even though Hoyer may complete that ball only a third of the time, the defense now has to stay honest, clearing the way for the running attack to continue, or the cement truck to get to its destination.

2. In Week 1 in the NFL, the New England Patriots learned how precious things can be when Tom Brady had his knee blown out by a former Boilermaker. Let’s say your team wins out from here to the end and is in a BCS bowl game with a chance to do the school and conference proud – what ONE player on your squad would you most likely cry about having his knee blown out in the first quarter? That is, who is truly indispensable?

It's Ringer, and I think everybody knows why by now. Instead of dwelling on that point, I'll tell you who I think is second most indispensable. I'd say strong safety Otis Wiley has returned to his 2006 form, but he's better than that. He leads the Big Ten with four interceptions, and has been all over the field so far this year. His interceptions against Cal helped keep MSU in the game, and he had a critical pick against Notre Dame which set up the first MSU touchdown. He's the most dynamic playmaker on the MSU defense, and if he goes down, there's nobody really suitable at safety to replace him currently.

3) Purdue plays Notre Dame this week and, well, we detest Notre Dame like probably no other program. Let’s say I have the power to force you (maybe you lost a bet to me) to wear another Big Ten school’s colors to an away game for that team. That is, you’re wearing OSU colors to a game being played at Michigan, or something like that. And I’m talking, dorky, head-to-toe… goofy-ass sweatshirts and flat-brimmed, ridiculous-looking hats. If you have to choose, which program would you be able to stomach wearing? (Remember, you’re going to an away game, so people won’t like you and accept you and you’ll be taking this abuse for a school you’re not even affiliated with.) And by the same token, what program could you absolutely not EVER stomach wearing, under any circumstances?

If I'm going to make a complete ass of myself and wear another team's colors, I'm at least going to do it wearing a team that I respect, and that'd be Illinois. I've respected them ever since they used to be the only team MSU could beat on a consistent basis; that ship has sailed though. I still have respect for them when they rooted on MSU at the 2005 Final Four. Plus, out of all the fans I've met out of the Big Ten, I definitely believe that the Illini most closely approximate MSU - I don't have any info to back that up, it's just a vibe I got. As for colors I would never wear, let's just let this picture do all the talking:

Take it easy there - you've got to spread your disappointment over a whole Big Ten schedule. You don't want to blow your wad on Wisconsin.

4) I like big butts and I can not lie. Share your embarrassing guilty pleasure music selection that you know other people might laugh at. Bonus points if you can send a YouTube video of an awful music video with it. Many/most of us grew up and/or went to college in the ‘80s and ‘90s so I know you’ve all got some Nelson After The Rain on the iPod.

I've spent the last decade in either high school or college, so I've got a couple. The one that's stayed with me is "Escape" by Enrique Iglesias. The music video isn't embarrassing enough, so I had to dig deep into the YouTubes and find the song set to a Titanic montage.



You know it's good because OceanHeartsx gave it 5 starts.

Big Ten Round Table - Week 3

Much thanks to Lake The Posts, the best dang Northwestern blog on the intrawebs, for hosting this week's Round Table.

1)The national media is using the Big Ten Conference as a punching bag in 2008 ranking us somewhere between the Big East and the MAC. Based on Ohio State's no-show, Purdue's "APPLE!!!" and Michigan's debacle, it is redemption week in Big Ten Country. However, several teams have very respectable, yet no-name teams (ie. Troy, Central Michigan, Ball State). Tell us how the Big Ten will respond this week in the final week before conference play.

If last week was the week for the Big Ten to step up and show that it was elite (spoiler alert: it didn't), this week is the week for the Big Ten to prove that it doesn't belong in the dregs. Minnesota will most likely get some measure of vengeance on Florida Atlantic, Penn State and Ohio State should destroy Temple and Ohio respectively. Purdue and CMU meet in a Motor City Bowl rematch. The three biggest games, in no order, will be: Iowa at Pittsburgh (Will Dave Wannstedt get fired in the second half? Can Iowa keep up the momentum against a second straight BCS opponent?), Notre Dame at Michigan State (Can Notre Dame win a game against a BCS team that won't turn the ball over eight times? Will Charlie Weis' leg explode and take out the first three rows?) and Ball State at Indiana (Will Indiana win decisively this time? Why have I not heard big things out of Kellen Davis yet?) The Big Ten is favored in all these games except the Iowa game, in which the Hawkeyes are one point underdogs. Expect the Big Ten to go 7-1 this week with the loss coming in Bloomington or Pittsburgh.

2)The conference standings look like someone took the 2007 results and flipped it upside down. Which of the undefeated teams are contenders and which are pretenders (another way of saying which teams have put lipstick on a pig)? Recalibrate your preseason rankings and tell us who the conference favorites are now.

There are currently six undefeated teams in the Big Ten. Two of these teams are definitely contenders: Penn State (Maybe JayPa wasn't spending all his time blogging for Obama after all) and Wisconsin (have the single most impressive victory of the Big Ten teams at this point, beating Fresno State and the officials). Two of these teams are definitely pretenders: Minnesota (The games against Northern Illinois and Montana State were way too close to call them a contender), and Indiana (The Ball State will tell a lot. I'm guessing it won't be good.) The other two teams, Iowa and Northwestern, could go either way. Iowa has looked impressive getting to 3-0, except for their passing game. If they can't run the ball, can they really trust Christensen or Stanzi to put points on the board? Northwestern might be able to make a run, but that four point win against Duke doesn't sit well with me, even if it was on the road.

3)Javon Ringer has emerged as the early season best-bet Heisman hopeful from the Big Ten. Real deal or non-conference smoke screen? Does anyone from the Big Ten have a prayer for the Heisman, or is it too late?

I would love to be bullish on Ringer here, and give you umpteen reasons on why he will win the Heisman; however, I can't, for three reasons. One, if he keeps averaging 30 carries a game plus kickoff returns, his durability will become an issue again. Second and probably most likely, I don't believe the offensive line can block consistently against the upper tier Big Ten games (see the Cal game for an example of this in action). Third, the Heisman usually goes to a player on a top tier team. MSU will have to finish strong, and their last three games are against Wisconsin, Purdue, and Penn State on the road. If MSU has another 7-5 season, it'll be because Ringer underperformed. From the research I've done, I've found the Heisman trophy tends to be awarded to players who perform. As for anyone else, if Beanie Wells doesn't bounce back immediately, I don't think anyone has a chance. Curtis Painter blew his chance for the most part vs. Oregon, and P.J. Hill isn't scoring the amount of touchdowns one would expect for a Heisman candidate.

4)After three weeks it is time to give your team a new slogan. What is it and why is it what it is?

Michigan State - Smash Mouth Football, but Only When it Works.

For as much ado as their was last year about a return to a ground-based attack (and rightfully so: 580 runs compared to 393 passes last year), those plans seemed to go out the window when Cal started to stifle Ringer. The Spartans passed 48 times that game, compared to 30 rushes. That game marked the first time under Dantonio that MSU passed more then they ran. The EMU and FAU games marked a return to the previous offensive game plan of "run Ringer up their throats until he breaks down or scores", but it makes me wonder what will happen if MSU gets the run consistently stopped again - will they stay committed to the run, or will Hoyer play Five Dollars with his receivers?

5)By now, you've likely adopted a favorite non Big Ten team to watch. Flex your football worldliness by convincing your fellow Big Ten kool-aid drinkers to watch your "other" team.

Texas Tech. You know about Mike Leach's dream of wearing a cutlass, raising the skull and bones, and hitting the high seas. You know about the offense on cocaine. As if that wasn't enough, take a gander at this tidbit from a New York Times article on Leach:

When he learned that a pirate ship was a functional democracy; that pirates disciplined themselves; that, loathed by others, they nevertheless found ways to work together, the pirate ship became a metaphor for his football team. Last year, after a loss to Texas A.&M. in overtime, Leach hauled the team into the conference room on Sunday morning and delivered a three-hour lecture on the history of pirates. Leach read from his favorite pirate history, "Under the Black Flag," by David Cordingly (the passages about homosexuality on pirate ships had been crossed out).

See? You can watch Texas Tech football without fear of having your sexuality threatened. Let's face it, Mike Leach knows we're all one mention of homosexuality away from dissolving a marriage and moving to Fire Island. CAN'T YOU SEE MIKE LEACH IS TRYING TO PROTECT OUR WAY OF LIFE AMERICA!

Big Ten Round Table - Week 2

Thanks to Maize 'n Brew for hosting this week's edition of the Big Ten Round Table.

1. We’re two weeks in and everyone in the Big Ten, minus the two Michigan schools (and Illinois - Thnx lostincali - Ed.), are 2-0. This week marks the end of your early "tune-up" or serious OOC play. Are you satisfied with the way your team has played against the cupcakes on your schedule, or happy with the way they’ve competed against serious competition?

I'd like to use the words "guarded optimism" to describe my feelings toward Michigan State right now. The Cal loss was a punch in the gut, but is looking better thanks to Cal's 66-3 win over Washington State, A win in which, to provide perspective on Cal's running game, they amassed 114 passing yards. MSU did the job expected of them versus EMU, and solved the penalty/Brian Hoyer inconsistency problem for one week. The question is, can this last the whole season (My heart says yes, recent evidence says no.)? The secondary is still giving up too many big plays, and turnovers are still a bugaboo. I'm content, but with enough sticking points to keep from getting overexcited.

2. You knew this was coming. This week’s OMG Game of teh Century!!!!1!!1!! until next week’s OMG Game of teh Century!!!!1!!1!! is Ohio State versus Southern Cal. Who are you pulling for and why? Further, if you’re pulling for one particular team tell me why they’ll win, or won’t. If you’re like me and will be attempting to cure a sunburn from over exposure to the sun during the Michigan Notre Dame game by drinking large quantities of whiskey instead of watching the game, state your excuse.

I am pulling for Ohio State to win this game because of Big 10 loyalties; however, I don't think they'll win. I base this feeling more off of USC's evisceration of Virginia in week 1 more than OSU's drunken stumble taken during week 2. I feel that OSU's performance in that game was an anomaly, but I also feel that game points to OSU's one dealbreaker - that they will not be able to score enough points to win. Todd Boeckman is a Brian Hoyer Doppelganger - he's got the ability and can score the points, but if it comes time to stand toe-to-toe with Mark Sanchez and go TD for TD, I don't know if he can do it. Even if Beanie Wells was 100% healthy, I'd still pick USC for the victory. All considered, USC wins this game by 14-17 points.

3. Besides the above mentioned Game of the Century, there are actually some decent match ups this week in the Big Ten. Purdue v. Oregon; Wisconsin v. Fresno State; Michigan v. Notre Dame; Michigan State v. Florida Atlantic; or Iowa v. Iowa State. I said decent. I didn't say they were all good. Pick the best game from that group, pick the worst game from that group, and Minnesota and Illinois bloggers must post an apology for scheduling Montana State and Louisiana Lafayette respectively.

Let's do this by a process of elimination - Fresno State is overhyped, thus I don't believe the Wisconsin-FSU game will be that great. Purdue-Oregon I believe will be a blowout one way or the other (I'm guessing Oregon over Purdue in a laugher right now), and MSU-FAU wouldn't surprise me if both teams scored more than 100 points. However, MSU will have 2/3 of those, and win fairly easily. That leaves Notre Dame-Michigan in Suck Bowl II, a rematch of Suck Bowl I last year, where UM salvaged their season by beating what looked to be like a confused Quiddich team wearing Notre Dame jerseys. Anyone not a fan of Michigan or Notre Dame will be watching this game with a sense of morbid curiosity more than anything else to see which team just does suck more. I'm backing Michigan in this game, their defense will be the only competent unit on the field that day. As for worst game, I'm going to go Wisconsin-Fresno State, mainly because I think the Badgers are going to burst the Bulldogs' bubble in a big way.

4. Out of Conference scheduling is always something that draws the ire of journalists and bloggers alike. You all know how weak your OOC really is. Admit it. You’re sad. So fix it. Pick two teams out of conference you really wish your school would schedule. Nursing colleges and the Center for Veterinary Sciences are verboten. Pick two major conference middle to heavy weights or two heavy weight non-BCS conference programs to add to the schedule. (Please note you get to keep your two patsies per season).

Author's note: It's much more sad to lose to a heavyweight than it is to beat a creampuff. Beating a MAC or 1-AA team is like hooking up with a fat girl - you won't feel good about yourself afterward, and you might be falsely confident, but nevertheless, it still counts as hooking up or a win. Anyway, MSU has Cal and Notre Dame as their two big heavyweights this year, which would work if ND didn't have to wear diapers all the time. Anyway, if I had to schedule two other teams, here's who I'd schedule:

Ole Miss - If you think I'm doing this just so I have an excuse to tailgate at The Grove, you're 95% right. I mean, who doesn't want to see this:

When your fan base is this smokin', it almost makes the perennial losing OK.

MSU girls will always be #1 in my heart, but if I had to have another fan base's gender, give me Ole Miss' ladies, all the way. As for the football aspect, it'd be interesting to see what would happen between two teams who have been historically known in the past decade for getting talent and then crapping it away between incompetent coaching. Yes, that does hurt me to say that about the Orgeron.

Clemson - In the dictionary, under schizofrenic, Clemson is about the third listing. I want to play them for the same reason as Ole Miss - to truly discover which team, between the Rebels, Tigers and Spartans, is the most bipolar. Also, Howard's Rock is one of the Seven Wonders of the CFB World, and it'd be cool to see that up close.

5. All college football fans love to tailgate. Even you, you mothers' basement dwelling bloggers, you. Name your beverage of choice on game days. Alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverage, your readers need to know these things about you, to judge you. Confirm all their suspicions.

I like to think of tailgating as a sort of Mario Kart - you have to keep your finger on the A button (gas), you have to have your Mushrooms for turbo, and you have to defend yourself some wiping out (streak of banana peels behind your cart). For my gas, I like to drink Coors Light, it's good enough where I feel like I don't have to choke it down (see: Light, Natural/Busch), and it's cheap enough that I don't feel like a total priss while drinking it (save the microbrews for dinner). As for Mushrooms, I go with Jager Bombs as my turbo boost of choice - they've got Red Bull in them by definition, and you can get almost anyone to do them with you, so you don't look like a complete alcoholic. As for a streak of banana peels, I go with a 32 oz Gatorade an hour before the game. In Mario Kart you won't get to the line first without defending yourself from a couple of red shells, and in life, you won't stay awake for the game if you're not properly hydrated.

6. Rivalry games dot the schedule this week. If your team is playing in a rivalry game, say something nasty about your opponent then predict a lopsided score to infuriate the opposing fanbase. If you're not playing a rival, then start a rivalry by saying something nasty about your opponent and then predict a lopsided score to infuriate the opposing fanbase. Or just give me a non-offensive prediction and a reason to watch.

This is MSU's first year out of three playing FAU, so this may as well start now. FAU's QB, Rusty Smith, has a name that sounds like a D-rate porn actor. Howard Schnellenberger, is still waiting for one of his players to spell his name correctly. All the while, he's desperately trying to get work as a Matlock impersonator, mainly because it pays him more than the university. As for the game, MSU will win this game by a few touchdowns or more (preview coming later), and the 10 FAU fans get to run back home to snuggle with their adorable Sun Belt title of last year.

Big Ten Bloggers' Round Table

Thanks to Black Heart Gold Pants for hosting this week's Round Table.

1. Week 1's in the books. What surprised you about your team? Are you optimistic? Disappointed? (NOTE: Purdue does not apply here, so these fans must talk about Wake Forest instead)

Disappointed, mainly due to three things: the penalties, the special teams miscues, and the failure of the offensive line to consistently block. As I previously said, if Ringer's being held to less than three yards a carry, there's a failure somewhere in the rushing game, and nine times out of ten, that's the offensive line. Nevertheless, I'm optimistic, as MSU kept the game close even though it had no such business doing so, mainly due to capitalizing off of Cal's mistakes. One of the things that's keeping my going right now is that Cal's one of the frontrunners behind USC in the Pac-10. If they lose to both Washington teams, they might have to talk me down off of Hubbard Hall.

2. Beanie Wells' foot is definitely the top story in the conference. What's #2?

It's easily Michigan's failure to put up any semblance of a sustained offensive attack against Utah. The WoLOLverines' longest drive was seven yards, and the quarterback situation went as expected. However, while many are focusing in on the debacle at quarterback, I think the rushing game was easily more atrocious than the passing game. Stat of the game: Michigan rushed 25 times for 36 yards; one of those rushes went for 21 yards. Take that one big play away, and the WoLOLverines rushed 24 times for 15 yards, or an outstanding 0.6 yards per carry. Is there any way the offensive line can be renamed the LOLffensive line?

3. Admit it: you loathe DickFraudROFL (*neé* Rich Rodriguez), but when Michigan scored that last touchdown, you were rooting for them to make the 2-pt. conversion.

Nope, not in the slightest. I was debating in my head whether it would be better for Michigan to win to get some heat off the Big Ten, or to have Michigan fail, and deal with the media hate. All of a sudden, it hit me - the only place I have to deal with the Big Ten hate is on the internet and watching ESPN, while, living in East Lansing, I have to deal with Michigan fans on a semi-constant basis. If Michigan had tied it up and won that game, I would have had to deal with the hyperbole of mouth-breathing Michigan fans screaming, "#1 DICKROD ROOLZ SUCK IT SPARTY", all while they rush to Ann Arbor to see who can give Barwis a Z-Job first. Anything that humbles Michigan, I have to root for, even if it is at the expense of the Big Ten.

4. Is this weekend's slate of games actually *less* interesting than last week's?

Yup. The game that will be of most consequence is Oregon State at Penn State. Given the Beavers' loss to Stanford last week and the Nittany Lions' demolition of a Pop Warner team, I think PSU walks. The only other game of consequence will be Minnesota at Bowling Green. Bowling Green beat Minnesota last year, and is a six point favorite at home. Can Bowling Green keep up the momentum? Will Minnesota have a winning streak for the first time since '06? The storylines are endless.

There are two other games that might be of some interest to masochists: Northwestern @ Duke, where we'll see if the Wildcats can crap themselves again against the Blue Devils, and Miami of Ohio at Michigan, where one of the Michigan running backs will try to rush for more than 25 yards.

5. Don't you hate pants?

Absolutely. If pants are horrible enough for Alex Trebek to forego, then take the hint.